k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
