saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
