I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
