Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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