At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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