We won't sleep together?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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