Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I look better un-naked...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
