I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
