When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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