I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
