wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
