I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
