Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
