I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just had sex bonerless
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
