i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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