a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
