Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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