she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
