We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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