what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Can I color on your dick again?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
