There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
