I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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