he wants to bone in the snuggie
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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