Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
