seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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