my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
