I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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