I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
