Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
