No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
