I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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