i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
