I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
