I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
