I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
