Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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