i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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