I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
