haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
