turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
