just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
