he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
