I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
