dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
