it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
