I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
