ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
