I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Randomize
