I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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