Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
